These are behaviours which weaken connection:
Denying responsibility
This includes any language that implies that we lack choice.
I had to. I had no choice. You made me. I can’t.
Placing demands on others
In NVC we take responsibility for what we are wanting by expressing clear requests. In a request, the other person’s needs matter too, and so no is an option. In a demand, ‘no’ is not an option. In a demand, by definition, the other person’s needs do not matter equally to the person issuing the demand.
The reason this hurts relationships is that, if I am on the receiving end of demands it communicates that my needs don’t matter. This, in turn, leads to resentment and disconnection. Over time, it is quite likely that the needs of the person placing the demands cease to matter to the person on the receiving end.
Life-alienated motivations
The key insight here can be summarized by a phrase often emphasized by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, creator of NVC:
The energy with which we do anything for each other is just as important as the action itself.
Life-alienated motivations include fear, guilt, shame, duty/obligation, to obtain an extrinsic reward, to avoid punishment, or acting out of “shoulds” or “have-tos.”
When we do something for each other out of these motivations, it creates disconnection, resentment, and serves to break down trust. We want to do things for each other when we are connected to how it serves life, how it also contributes to our needs.